I’d like to share a theory I’ve been developing over the years.
Most of our problems aren’t real. They are linguistic.
They exist in the words you use to describe your situation, not in the situation itself.
In other words, if you change your wording, your problem will disappear.
Because what if the thing you labeled as a problem wasn’t a problem in the first place?
I know this may sound too simple.
Stay with me.
everything is a frame
First things first. I’m not talking about physical problems, injuries or illnesses. These things are very real.
But if you think about the problems we face every day, most of them are not physical.
Think about the following.
Everything in your life has a label.
- Are you disciplined or undisciplined.
- Successful or unsuccessful.
- Healthy or unhealthy.
- Happy or not.
These are the mental labels we use in our minds. They sound like facts, but they are not.
They are explanations. And interpretations can change.
If I look back at how I have dealt with problems in the past, I see that it was mostly by changing the way I looked at things.
I did it subconsciously. But I always wanted to turn it into something more real so I could share it with others.
The moment I discovered Reconstruction Theory
I’m reading a book called The inner voice of trading Author: Michael Martin. This is a great book on trading psychology.
What made me think of “Reconstruction” was not the content about trading, but a passage about discipline. Here’s how Martin develops discipline.
“Discipline is simply acting in accordance with your goals or agreements you have made with others, even though you may have a strong urge to act otherwise.”
This is the simplest and best description of discipline I have ever heard.
Discipline is just setting goals and sticking to them.
So, if you don’t follow discipline, there’s nothing wrong with you personally. This doesn’t mean you are weak. It just means you’re setting the wrong goals!
Do you see? It’s a way of looking at life. This is a mental model.
Anthony de Mello and the Reconstruction of Loneliness
So I started connecting the dots in my head. When I read that quote about discipline, I thought of Jesuit priest and author Anthony de Mello.
He is one of the clearest thinkers I have ever read. He has a way of solving the entire problem with a single refactoring.
This is one of my favorites of his books, consciousness:
“Loneliness is when you miss others, loneliness is when you enjoy yourself.”
One word has changed. The whole experience was turned upside down.
If you are alone and you call it lonely, you will suffer. If you call it loneliness, then you are at rest. The situation is the same.
Labels are everything.
This is reconstruction theory in its purest form.
Epictetus said the same thing more than two thousand years ago:
“People are not bothered by things, but by their perceptions of things.”
But this is not a positive thought.
Positive thinking requires you to pretend bad things look like good things.
Refactoring requires something different. It requires you to find the most accurate and useful explanation of the situation.
Not the most likable one yet. most functional one.
There’s a difference between lying to yourself and choosing a better shot.
Refactoring that changed the way I think
You can apply this mental model to all areas of your life.
These are the areas where I see people get stuck most often, and the exact refactoring I would provide for each area.
Most of the time, our mental conversations focus on what we lack.
So let me break it down here and provide a different framework.
“I’m undisciplined.”
Old frame: I lack willpower. Something is wrong with me.
New Frame: My goals are inconsistent with who I actually am, what I really want, or what my life actually allows for right now.
When your goals are honest, discipline will naturally follow. Don’t fix your willpower if you continually violate the agreements you make with yourself.
Amend the Agreement. Set goals that are realistic, truly yours, and consistent with your actual life. Then see how the “undiscipline” disappears.
“I didn’t succeed.”
Old framework: I haven’t achieved the results I want yet. I’ve already fallen short
New Framework: I was always chasing other people’s definitions of success.
When you define success on your own termsbased on your own values and your own standards for a good life, you will not fail in other people’s games.
You start playing with yourself. This is where real progress begins.
“I’m not healthy.”
Old frame: I am not disciplined enough to eat and exercise well.
New Framework: My habits don’t align with what I really want in life.
Health is not a limitation. This also has nothing to do with living to 100 years old.
Wellness is about optimizing your life for real, lasting energy. When you connect healthy habits to how you feel every day, they no longer feel like a sacrifice.
Too much exercise or obsessing over every calorie you burn will only drain your energy. It’s about finding the balance that works for you.
“I’m not happy.”
Old frame: Not enough good things happen to me.
New Frame: I’ve been waiting for happiness instead of living it.
Marcus Aurelius ruled an empire during wars and plagues. He wrote in his private diary: “A happy life requires nothing, everything is within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
Happiness does not come easily. This is something you cultivate every day by what you choose to notice and focus on.
“I’m not welcome.”
Old frame: There aren’t enough people like me.
New framework: I’ve been optimizing for quantity rather than depth.
As social beings, we care about what others think. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
The thing is we want to be liked by a lot of people. That’s impossible.
Stop chasing the approval of others. Pay attention to the people you like and the people who like you, and be nice to them.
“I’m not rich.”
Old frame: I don’t have enough money.
New Framework: I have been measuring wealth against an ever-changing goal.
Seneca said it best: “Poverty is not one who has too little, but one who longs for more.”
Wealth is abundance. The threshold is lower than you think. The problem isn’t your income. This is the definition you are using.
“I’m not famous.”
Old frame: Not enough people know who I am.
New Framework: I’ve always confused fame with influence.
One person who truly understands your work is worth a thousand passive followers.
The obsession with reputation is really an obsession with validation. Build a reputation within a small circle. Let it grow from there.
How to actually use this
When you find yourself stuck, frustrated, or telling yourself a story about why something is impossible, stop and ask a question.
Is this a fact or a framework?
Most of the time it’s a framework. Once you see it as a framework, you can ask better questions: What is a more useful way of looking at this problem?
You don’t need a different life. You need a different lens.
The problem hasn’t gone away. But they are no longer chasing you.
Remember: your words create your experience. Choose them carefully.
