“I’m only telling you this because I care about you.”
Most of us have heard this statement at some point, and most of us have felt that weird little drop in the stomach that comes with it. Because you know what’s coming, and you know you’ve just been given a reason not to defend yourself.
This is the tricky part. Almost every phrase on this list is said over and over again by people who really mean it. That’s why they are useful to those who have no use for them. True caring and controlling behaviors use the same vocabulary, so those words alone will never tell you which one you’re dealing with.
Telling you what happens next. Please remember to read these because I don’t want anyone to read this and believe their mom is a psychopath.
1. “I’m just saying that because I care about you.”
Notice its position in the sentence. It almost always precedes criticism, it acts as armor.
If you refute what follows, you no longer disagree with the criticism. You are rejecting care from others. This is a harder thing to do and will often cost you before the argument even starts.
People who really care about you will often say difficult things and then sit there feeling uncomfortable. They don’t fireproof themselves first.
2. “I’m just worried about you lately”
It’s worth listening to this statement because sometimes it’s the most important thing anyone will say to you all year.
It’s important to note that worry never becomes a version of anything. No help was provided. They didn’t worry about anything specific. Just a low, constant voice of concern that is somehow always connected to the part of your life they wish to change. your new friend. Work that you feel excited about. How much time do you spend outside.
Ask yourself a simple question. Have this person’s concerns ever led them to do something for you? Or does this just lead to you doing something for them?
3. “I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Taking aim at risk is love. A goal is a plan, but often it is something else.
Start a business, apply for something you are not qualified for, go back to school at the age of 44, and move. All of this can bring the possibility of public failure, and some people will find it really uncomfortable to be around your ambitions.
They rarely say otherwise. They say they hate to see you disappointed, and then they gently and in detail lay out all the ways it could go wrong. When you leave, you become smaller and you can’t clearly put your finger on what’s going on.
4. “I’m the only one who’s honest with you.”
There are two things happening in this sentence, only one of which has to do with honesty.
Another is to quietly suggest that other people in your life are either lying to you or don’t care to bother you. Repeat it for a few months and it really works. Their opinions begin to matter more than everyone else combined as they position themselves as the only reliable signal in the room.
Related versions: “Your friends won’t tell you this”, “No one has the courage to say it”, “I’m the only one who really knows you”.
5. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”
This is the hardest to spot because it looks like generosity, and to most people it is.
But there is a pattern where someone takes over the finances, the bookings, the difficult calls, the negotiations and the driving. Always affable. Always considered to lighten your load. After two years, you will find that you have lost the ability to do some things that you handled well before, and you cannot easily leave this arrangement even if you want to.
Actual help often includes you. It will teach you about it, or do it with you. Help on controls will silently remove your access to it.
6. “I’m not angry. I’m just hurt.”
Sometimes it’s true, and when it is it’s worth taking seriously.
The control version has a specific shape. It comes with the pressure of anger but without any responsibility, so without any concrete response. You can’t apologize for something because nothing is named. You’ll just have to work on your emotions over the next few days.
Watch to see if it resolves. Real hurt can be talked about and eventually let go. Another version tends to hang around the house for a week, doing a job.
7. “Let’s keep this a secret.”
Any sentence that has the effect of reducing the number of people who know something is worth a second look.
It usually arrives in a protective manner. They won’t understand. Your family will just worry. It can cause drama for no reason. Sometimes this is completely reasonable and privacy in a relationship is normal and healthy.
The thing to note is accumulation. A private conversation is nothing. A slowly growing list of topics that can’t be discussed with anyone outside of the relationship is a different animal, and it’s often the last thing people notice because each individual instance makes sense at the time.
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The really important point
None of these alone prove anything. I would be wary of anyone who tells you otherwise, and I would be especially wary of running this list and passing judgment on your loved one during a conversation you had last Tuesday.
It’s not the words that distinguish the two versions. This is the direction of development afterwards.
Genuine caring often expands your life. You end up with more options, more people around you, and more confidence in your own interpretation of things. Another narrows the scope. There are fewer and fewer friends, fewer and fewer uncertainties, and you find yourself more and more difficult to live with. Fortunately, there are people who can tolerate you.
If I only wanted to keep one thing, I would use this test. Not words. Whether your world gets bigger or smaller around this person is measured in years, not weeks.
If you’ve read all seven articles and feel uncomfortable with a particular relationship, the next most helpful step is not confrontation. It’s having discussions with people on the outside, and that’s what’s hardest about this model.
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