I once wrote emails that were four times longer than they actually needed to be.
Someone invites me to do something I can’t do, and instead of saying no, I send a message. The time, the workload, the other thing I committed to, and how much I loved it. I thought I was warm. In retrospect, I was building a case because some part of me didn’t believe that a simple denial without evidence would be accepted.
I’ve noticed since then that the people I respect the most don’t do this at all. This is not to say that they are aloof or cautious. They share a lot. They just quietly stop submitting their reasoning to people who never asked for it, and they seem to get lighter because of it.
Here are seven things I see they no longer explain.
1. Why the answer is no
The clearest is also the hardest.
The grounds are a door. The moment you say you can’t come because of work, you invite a negotiation about your job. If the reason resolves, then the “no” disappears, and now you’ve invented a second reason that sounds like you’re lying, which you are.
People with self-respect tend to keep things brief. I won’t be able to come this time. Thank you for thinking of me. It reads straightforward on paper but works perfectly fine in real life, which surprised me the first hundred times I tried it.
2. Why they left
Party, dinner, group chat, round two.
One way to leave is to do a full show at the door. Woke up early tomorrow, it’s been a long week, a sudden headache, passed to three different people on the way out.
In another version, someone stood up, said they were leaving, said they had a great time, and then left. No one at that table gave it a second thought. The only person who needs an explanation is the one who gives it.
3. Why their lives don’t match the timeline
Not married. No children. Still renting. Changed careers at age 41. I moved overseas and haven’t come back yet.
In the early days, most people in this position will give a little speech because this question comes up so often that not having a prepared speech can come across as rude. Then, somewhere along the way, they notice that the questions often come from small talk rather than genuine curiosity, and the presentation starts to feel like a toll.
What takes its place is usually just an honest sentence. This suits me just fine. Didn’t happen. I’m happy where I am now. After saying it once, there was no follow-up defense and the topic changed.
4. What they did with their money
I’m not talking about big financial issues, which are worth discussing with people who know what they’re doing. I’m talking about the small, everyday reasons.
Why do they buy the more expensive ones. Why don’t they come and do things that cost too much money. Why are they driving a car that’s fifteen years old when everyone thinks they’ve upgraded.
Over-explanation here is almost always preemptive, directed at a judgment that no one actually says out loud. The people who have solved this problem are almost always bored with the facts. Not this month. If you want it, buy it. That’s all the answers.
5. Did they apologize for how long it took them to respond?
You know the news. Sorry for the slow response, it’s been a crazy week with crazy work and I wanted to get back to you as soon as possible.
Four days is not a moral failure. Half the time the other person doesn’t notice, and now you’ve drawn a big circle around it.
What I see from people with a bit of self respect is that they either reply or simply say sorry with no supporting documentation and then reply with the actual message. There’s something about it that quietly indicates that their time is their own, not borrowed from everyone waiting for them.
6. Why they stop seeing someone
Distance from friends, distance from family, the end of a business partnership.
People like to have full accounts of these events, and it’s easy to give a full account, in part because you hope to be found not guilty. But the cost of setting up a case is often greater than the reward. It turned a private decision into a story that was circulated and retold, with slight errors.
People I’ve seen handle it well, they’ll say something like “We’re not really in contact these days” and leave it at that. Not secretive. Just finished relitigating something they had already settled.
7. Why they like what they like
Others find music, books, hobbies, shows they’re watching for the fourth time that seem a little weird.
People have a habit of preface everything by apologizing. It’s a guilty pleasure, it’s useless and I know it’s not very good. All of this is a way of criticizing yourself before anyone else does, so the criticism comes on your own terms.
There’s something strangely liberating about letting it go. I like it. I find it very interesting. That’s it. And nothing bad happened, which is what took people the longest to find out.
Like this article? Follow us on Facebook to see more content like this.
an important difference
I guess be careful here because this whole idea goes too far and turns into something ugly.
Not explaining yourself is different from not communicating. Self-respect does not mean remaining silent, refusing to provide context to those who love you, or treating every legitimate question as an intrusion. Those who frequently and loudly proclaim that they owe no one an explanation usually owe others an explanation.
The difference lies in who the words were written for. Sharing your reasons because you want others to understand you is a connection, and it’s worth doing. It’s another thing to make excuses because you’re worried that simple answers won’t be accepted, and that’s a habit worth giving up.
I’m still working on it, for what it’s worth. Sometimes I’ll see myself in the middle of an email and delete three-quarters of it, and there’s always a little moment where I’m sure the shorter version will read rude. Never. Most people just accept the answer and go on with their day, which is what I’m supposed to believe they’ve always done.
Do you like my article? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed.
