I have a friend in Saigon who never feels flustered when arriving anywhere. Same flow as me. The same broken sidewalks, the same motorcycles, and the same afternoon rain turned the street into a river. He never seemed to be in a hurry.
For a long time I thought he was naturally calm. He is not. He told me that he had been the craziest person he knew and that most of the changes were not his fault. Here’s a bunch of things he quietly stopped doing.
Here are eight things I keep noticing in people like him.
1. Say “Yes” Immediately
People who are not in a hurry rarely make commitments on the spot. If you ask them what’s available in three weeks, you’ll get a version of “let me check and get back to you” even though you both know they’ll probably be available.
I used to think that was a bit non-committal. Now I think that’s the biggest difference between them and me. When you say yes immediately, you say yes to a future version of infinite energy. The future you is not that person. You are tired ahead and have three things piled up on Thursday.
Taking a breather the day before answering questions costs next to nothing and avoids the crazy feeling that ensues.
2. View a complete calendar as evidence that they are doing well
There is a time in your life, usually around your twenties and thirties, when a full diary feels like proof that you matter. Someone asks you what you’ve been doing lately and the honest answer is “everything,” and some part of you likes to say that.
People who never seem to be in a hurry give up on this somewhere along the way. They no longer use their schedule as a scoreboard. My brother did this years ago and it changed quickly. He did not do less of what was important. He just wasn’t busy collecting stuff anymore.
3. Book things continuously
Related, but not the same. If everything is piled together with no air in between, you could have an easy week but still feel like you’re being chased.
Calm people leave gaps. There is half an hour between meetings and the school run. Buffers on both sides of the date. On paper, this looks inefficient, which is why they look like a normal person when they walk in, rather than someone who just rushed up two flights of stairs.
Nothing takes as long as it says. They no longer pretend to be otherwise.
4. Make the most of every free minute
When the kettle comes out, the phone comes out. Take the elevator for two minutes and make a phone call. Bank queues, phone calls. It doesn’t feel like a rush because you’re standing still, but the mind can never put anything down.
I noticed this last year while walking along the river. For about three years I listened to podcasts every morning on my morning walk. I stopped, mostly out of curiosity, and within a week, the entire day felt slower. Nothing else has changed.
Those who don’t seem to be in a hurry have made peace with dead time. They would line up and just stand in it.
5. Do two things at the same time
Eating lunch on the laptop. Listen to your daughter talk while replying to messages. Play a video on the bench while you cook.
Each one feels like a small victory, and together they create a feeling of always being slightly behind because you never really accomplish anything. You’ll be left with some unfinished moments throughout the day.
Those who are not in a hurry are clearly on a one-way street. When they eat, they eat. When they talk to you, they are talking to you. This gives the impression of good manners. I think it’s mainly self-preservation.
6. Reply as soon as everything arrives
This is a habit you can really see people giving up on instantly.
At some point in the past decade, many of us believed that a message should be responded to in about ninety seconds. No one agrees with this. It just happened, and then it became water for all of us to swim in, and now a two-hour delay feels disrespectful.
Calm people come out of it. They usually respond later, often in bulk, and respond correctly. At first you think they’re slacking off a bit. Then you realize their attention shifts to where they decided to send, not the last person to ping.
7. Talk about how flat they are
Listen to how someone responds to “How are you?” If the answer is always “all in, man, too busy,” then that’s more than just a description. It’s a habit that nourishes itself.
I did this for years without noticing. Saying this out loud twelve times a week keeps me in the shoes of someone who is chased by their own life. People who don’t seem to be in a hurry don’t look busy even if they wear a lot. They’ll say “Yeah, have a good week” and ask how you’re doing.
You can remove the comments before removing the actual load. Oddly enough, loads often follow.
8. Try to end the day with zero
This is the one thing that took me the longest.
There is an illusion that if you work hard enough today, you will reach the end of your list and then you can relax. For people I know, this day never comes. The inventory is not an empty container. This is a river.
Those who seem to take their time stop before things are done. They pick a spot, close the laptop, and save the rest for tomorrow. Not because they don’t care, but because they see that the alternative is a slow chase with no finish line.
My friend said it very well. He said he once thought being busy meant he was needed. Now he thinks that mostly means he hasn’t made any decisions yet.
The thread that runs through it all
These are not productivity tips. There are no apps involved and no need to replicate your morning routine.
What they all have in common is a willingness to let someone down a little, or leave something unfinished, or look less impressive for a while. What we often do is rush rather than choose. It allows us to keep everyone reasonably happy and in perpetual motion, at the cost of life always feeling like it’s happening a little too fast.
I haven’t resolved this yet. I gave up on podcasts during my morning walk, but I still checked my phone in the elevator. But I noticed that even if I gave up one of them, the day itself wouldn’t get any shorter. It no longer felt like it was chasing me.
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