My wife recently told me a story that I can’t get out of my head.
Her best friend works as a waitress in a restaurant. Hard working and nice people. One night at a table of seven she made a mistake. She brought out six dishes, one of which required a longer wait.
One of those seven people went home and wrote a one-star review, specifically mentioning her name.
The boss saw it and told her not to be a waitress anymore. Her salary was cut. She was moved to the kitchen.
One negative review can ruin a person’s livelihood.
I know this is not uncommon. But I still get angry every time I hear it.
my own experience
My book has over 30,000 reviews on Amazon. If you look through the one-star reviews and read what some people have written, you’ll find some harsh stuff.
If I read a book I don’t like, I put it down and move on. In fact, most people are like this.
But some people have this urge to let others know that they don’t like something. And they can be downright annoying.
I’ve dealt with this issue in my courses as well. Some people purchase courses and then dispute them with their credit card companies without contacting me first, flagging the purchase as fraud.
This is a reality faced every day for anyone who provides a product, service, or puts their work into the world.
Whether you are a small operator or interact with thousands of customers every day, you will have to deal with negative situations.
It’s just part of the game.
There are a lot of miserable people out there
If you’ve ever worked in a restaurant, store, or any customer-facing position, you already know this.
My uncle worked in the hotel industry for almost twenty years. The stories I heard from him were truly incredible.
Some come in looking for a reason to complain and cause drama.
Arthur SchopenhauerThis German philosopher, who has studied human nature all his life, warned us not to pay attention to such people many years ago. He wrote:
“When we learn about the shallowness of other people’s thoughts, the narrowness of their opinions, and the number of their errors, we gradually become indifferent to what other people think. Whoever values other people’s opinions too much gives them too much respect.”
To focus too much on what miserable people think of you is to give them an honor they have not earned.
Most negative criticism doesn’t come from people who want to help you improve.
It comes from people who are frustrated with their lives and find a safe outlet.
The anonymity of the Internet makes it easier. Censorship culture makes it acceptable.
If you’ve ever dealt with negative emotions like this, don’t take it personally. It was never about you.
What the Stoics Said
Marcus Aurelius dealt with critics, enemies, and those who sought to undermine his entire reign. His answer was consistent: focus on what you can control and ignore the rest.
He wrote in his private diary:
“You have the power over your own thoughts, not external events. Realize this and you will find power.”
The Stoic framework is useful here. Criticism is an external event. You cannot control what others think or say about you.
You have no control over what your boss does with it. You have no control over whether a malicious person decides to spend an entire evening trying to hurt you.
What you can control is your reaction.
More importantly, your identity.
Who you are does not depend on what strangers say about you online.
If you are a person with the right values and good intentions, you have nothing to fear. Just do what you’re doing and ignore the hate.
Don’t give them the power to define you
Schopenhauer makes a distinction that I think is very useful. He separates who a person is from what others think of him.
He believes that a person’s true existence lies in himself, not in other people’s opinions.
Schopenhauer said:
“Every man’s chief and true existence lies in his own skin, and not in the opinions of others; therefore the actual state of our personal lives is a hundred times more important to our happiness than other people’s happy opinion of us.”
your health. Your relationships. your job. your character. These things are true. Not so with one-star reviews.
The problem is that our brains don’t naturally make this distinction. Negative comments or criticism at work can feel like an attack on who we are, not just what we do.
This is where the Stoic practice of separating events from judgments becomes crucial.
A comment or criticism is an event. Your interpretation of it is a judgment. And you control the judgment.
what to actually do
Accept that some people will always be negative. This is not cynical. This is just reality. You can’t please everyone, and you shouldn’t try.
People who try to make everyone happy end up pleasing no one, including themselves.
Give it your best shot and keep it going. The waitress who made the mistake is still a good person who works hard.
One-star reviews don’t change that. Her colleagues know this. Her regular customers know this. This review says more about the person who wrote it than it does about her.
No matter what happens, don’t respond in an angry way.
Responding to hatred with your own hatred only adds fuel to the fire. Many times, silence is the most powerful answer.
Finally, remember what Schopenhauer said about intelligence and criticism:
“Intelligence is invisible to those who do not have it.”
The people who make the most vicious criticisms are almost always the ones least qualified to do so.
They lack the ability to understand what they are criticizing. This is not an excuse to dismiss all feedback.
Honest, constructive criticism from someone who knows what they’re talking about is extremely valuable.
This is one of the most important ways to improve yourself…listen to feedback from people who want the best for you.
But hateful, anonymous attacks from strangers are not feedback. They are noise.
Ignore them at all costs.
