Not everyone gets easier as they age.
Some people are still as anxious about what others think at sixty as they were at twenty-five, still in good spirits and still performing well. Some did relent, though.
You can feel it the moment you’re around them: the struggles have eased, the edges have settled, and the remaining people seem to be comfortable being themselves. Here are some behaviors that easily make this person stand out.
1. They no longer dress for other people
They wear what they really like and feel good about without asking anyone for approval. Clothes become more comfortable and the choices become more personal. Instead of trying to dress themselves according to the demands of the moment, they start dressing how they look.
You’ll notice that they have a few things that they like and are happy to wear them, regardless of whether they are popular or not. The energy they once spent worrying about the right look is back on them, free to spend elsewhere.
2. They pick up a hobby with zero embarrassment
Bird watching. Line dancing. I’m not very good at drawing but I like it very much. People who feel good about themselves will choose things that make them happy, regardless of whether it’s impressive, age-appropriate or something they’re good at. Younger people might worry that this is silly. Now they just enjoy it.
At sixty, it’s liberating to be a joyful beginner, chasing small joys purely because it’s a joy. Instead of gauging their interests by how they appear to others, they begin gauging their interests by how they feel.
3. They are no longer busy
There’s a time in life when a full calendar feels like proof of something, that they matter, that people want them.
It doesn’t bother them at all that it’s now open on Tuesday afternoons. They don’t make plans to avoid looking like they’re doing nothing, and they no longer use “I’m just home and doing nothing” as something to apologize for. They noticed that being busy and being taken seriously were never really the same thing, and that giving up acting freed up amazing space.
4. They no longer hide their efforts behind what they are good at
Young people have an instinct to make abilities look effortless and to make people think that skills are just fully mature. Now they’ll happily tell you how many bad attempts it took, how long the learning curve actually was, and how mundane the whole process seemed. Acknowledging the work no longer diminishes their pride.
If anything, they noticed that people responded better to the honest version than the perfect version, and that pretending things were easy always took more effort than telling the truth.
5. They keep a smaller, more authentic circle
They no longer try to be friends with everyone, but instead gravitate toward a few important people. The broad and shallow social networks of their youth gave way to a handful of deep connections, and they were content with that trade.
They realize that a few real friendships are more valuable than a group of acquaintances, and they no longer feel the pressure to like everyone they met before. The rest are smaller and warmer. They have figured out where they really want to spend their limited time.
6. They don’t feel guilty when they say “no.”
A clear “no” comes easily and without a week of bad feelings behind it. They no longer say yes to things they fear just to avoid looking difficult. An invitation they don’t want, a favor that eats up a weekend, is not their obligation, they kindly decline and move on.
No lengthy justifications and no post-mortem guilt. They acknowledge that their time and energy are limited, and protecting them is not selfish. This single transformation often makes their later years easier as their lives slowly become filled with the things they really want.
7. They are gentler about their mistakes
When they make a mistake now, they tend to respond with a shrug and a bit of humor rather than a bunch of self-criticism. They’ve made enough mistakes by now to know they can get through it, and self-blame never really helps them.
Therefore, they will give themselves the same patience as they give to their friends. This softening of themselves often makes them easier to get along with. People who are no longer cruel to themselves tend to leave more warmth to others.
8. They no longer need this year to beat last year
Over a long period of time, each year must be an improvement over the last, more accomplished, more impressive, more evidence of forward momentum. At some point, the stress goes away.
It was a quiet, ordinary year where not much changed, where it stopped feeling like a failure and started to feel like a simple life. They have given up on the idea that life must remain on a clear upward trajectory to be meaningful, and that relief is greater than it sounds.
Getting older in and of itself does not guarantee any of this. Many people don’t soften as they age, and those who do often do so through some specific letting go, not just the passage of time.
If you recognize these qualities in yourself, you may be further along than you think. If you see this sense of ease in someone older than you, you’ll see that it took them many years to build up.
