Most people hold some version of this idea, but don’t say it out loud: The version they deserve to exist should have come sooner. The window to be that person has essentially closed.
It’s a compelling story, but mostly wrong. People change direction at every age, in both small and large ways, more often than we think.
Here are a few reasons why your door may take longer to open than it feels.
1. No one follows the timeline you think you have
Part of the reason why change feels late is that everyone is watching you. Old classmates who have gone further. Brothers and sisters who figured this out by the time they were thirty.
They don’t actually track your progress. They are busy with their own lives and worried about their own schedules.
The audience for your “scheduled” performance is almost non-existent. Once people understand this, backward thinking begins to lose its grip. There is no official record of the time you should arrive. You have to decide that this thing remains open because no one else has closed it.
2. The “I’ve always been like this” trap
People constantly describe themselves in fixed terms. I’m just a disciplinarian. I’ve never been good at managing money. I’m not a sports person.
Sounds honest. Often it is simply a description of the past cloaked in eternal truth.
You may have seen someone who was “always shy” become warm and relaxed in their forties. A person who “can’t cook” becomes a dinner party host. The stories we tell about who we are are often several years out of date. Updates are allowed and usually don’t come with many announcements.
3. Small changes in the background compound
The reason late stage change feels impossible is that we see it as a giant leap. Dramatic reinvention. A complete break.
That’s almost never the case. Walking becomes a habit before you notice it forming. One difficult conversation makes the next one easier.
These things don’t announce themselves. A year later, you look up and realize that you have become the person who is doing this now, and there is no moment that you can point to as a turning point. This change is happening all the time, just so slowly that no change is felt on any given day.
4. When you finally stop waiting and feel ready
Many people are waiting for a feeling that never comes. Have the confidence to start. They will definitely stick to it. It feels like now is finally the right time.
People who truly change often skip this step. They start before they feel ready, which sucks and is a little embarrassing.
It turns out that preparation is something you build by doing something, not a permission slip you receive before you start. It should be awkward on the first try. People spend decades planning lives that never really get started, waiting to feel like they deserve to start.
5. Your regrets reveal something useful
Things you wish you were doing that didn’t just make you frown at 2 a.m. If you turn them over, they are a map.
Regret is mostly a message about what you really value that comes a little late. Hope that you become braver means that you still cherish courage. Hopefully, your more phone calls means these relationships are still important to you.
Most people see this pain as a verdict that the opportunity is gone. Closer to the sign. It tells you which direction to go from here. The part of you that regrets is the part that still wants it, and wanting things doesn’t tend to go away as you get older.
6. The threshold is lower than you think
Becoming a person you are proud of sounds like a daunting task that requires a complete change in your personality.
This is rarely the case. Pride in yourself usually comes from small, repeatable things. Keep the promises you make to yourself. Be the first to apologize. Show up when it would be easier not to show up.
You don’t have to be extraordinary. When you are honest with yourself, you simply become more like the people you already respect.
7. There are many people who appreciate late bloomers.
Pay attention to how people react to someone who changes course later than expected. Someone who went back to school at fifty. Someone who didn’t get sober until he was sixty. That friend finally left behind the thing that made them small.
Most people, when they actually see it, don’t think “it’s too late.” They think it’s good for them. People feel a warmth about late transitions that they don’t feel about early, easy success.
There is something ingrained in us because most of us want the same door to open for us. As you make the final changes yourself, you may find that there are many more people in your corner than you feared. Most of the judgment you face exists within your own mind.
If some part of you has been waiting for the right moment to become more like the person you respect, now is the time. Not because time is running out, but because the idea that you’ve missed your chance never feels as solid as it feels.
Look at the small changes you make almost all the time. It might be closer than you think.
