Aging should be a relaxing process, a sense of stability that allows one to finally relax one’s mind. For some, it comes. For others it is not, and the difference is usually not luck.
Those who feel secure have given up some habits along the way. People who are still nervous at sixty often carry the same weights they carried at twenty-five without ever thinking of letting go. Most of these are habits, not fixed traits, and habits can be cast aside.
Here’s what’s worth posting.
1. Replay old conversations
The habit of lying awake and rewriting things that were said years ago keeps the past alive long after it should be gone.
You know the cycle. Things you wish you had said about an argument from ten years ago, that moment when you embarrassed yourself at a party that no one remembered. The mind drags it back and runs it again. Most people who feel at ease no longer feed this. They have acknowledged that the fumble version of that moment was doing the best they could with what they knew at the time.
Keeping old footage in the past, rather than showing it every night, is one of the underrated ways to relieve yourself from getting older.
2. Make a mental inventory of who owes what
The habit of keeping score, who called last, who reached out last, and who didn’t, slowly poisons your sense of ease in dealing with people.
Categrating every relationship can be tiring. Did they thank me? Am I doing more for them than they are doing for me? Those who felt relaxed about friendship mostly gave up on accounting. They give what they want to give and give up the rest. A friendship measured by a penny is not really a friendship, it is a transaction, and transactions never make people feel warm.
Put down your books and let the warmth come back.
3. Try to correct everyone’s impression of you
Some people spend huge amounts of energy managing other people’s thoughts, but it never ends because it can’t.
There is always someone who has the wrong idea about you. I misread your relative many years ago. A former colleague told an unflattering story.
The instinct is to keep clarifying the facts. But you can’t control the image of you in other people’s minds, and comfortable people have accepted that. They acknowledge that being misunderstood by some is just the price of being human. They allow the false impression to persist and move on with their lives.
4. When comparison starts
Measuring your life by the lives of others is a habit that only becomes more painful, not less, as you get older.
That classmate did more. Siblings seem to have it easier. Peers who retire earlier or look better or travel more. At thirty, comparisons are bad enough. At sixty, if you let things slide, it can turn into regrets. Those who feel comfortable have learned to run their own races and check their progress against their own past rather than against the highlight reels of people on completely different tracks. Their life is the only life they can truly live.
5. Say “yes” when everything in your heart means “no”
A lifelong habit of agreeing to things you don’t want to do can slowly build up to a life of unfitness.
The invitation you fear. Devour a weekend’s worth of favors. No one wants you for this role because it feels rude to say no. Each individual seems very small. But over decades, a person’s life becomes dominated by the expectations of others.
People who feel relaxed have learned that a kind, clear “no” can preserve the energy of things they truly care about. They no longer view their preferences as something to apologize for.
6. Wait for your body to feel good
Putting your relaxation on hold until your body looks a certain way tends to last forever.
There is always a reason to wait. A few pounds, signs of aging, just like it used to be. The problem is that the goalposts keep moving, the body keeps changing, and the day when you finally feel good never comes. A truce of sorts was settled. They believe that the body that carries them through the day deserves some appreciation now, rather than waiting a lifetime for a version that may never come.
The truce itself was a relief.
7. Holding a grudge is useless.
Carrying past resentment costs the carrier far more than its target.
Everyone collects a few over the years. That friend who let you down. Family members who say unforgivable things. Some grudges are earned.
But there comes a point when holding someone no longer protects you and just makes you feel heavy, and the other person often doesn’t know they’re still being held. People who feel at ease tend to let go of old things, not for the sake of the other person, but for themselves. Letting it go does not excuse what happened. It simply releases the hand that holds it.
8. Treat every change as a loss
The habit of approaching every new phase of life with fear prepares a person for the future.
It’s easy to think of aging as one long subtraction, the things you can no longer do, the way the world is going. Depending on this, every birthday becomes something to mourn. Those who feel most comfortable have found a different framework. They note what each stage offers and what is needed, the freedom that comes when children leave, the perspective that comes as the years pass. They gravitate toward the old idea that everything will pass, including the hard parts, and find it oddly stabilizing rather than sad.
These habits don’t disappear overnight, and no one can quit these eight habits. Most people spend years slowly working on one or two projects.
