In many families, parents have limited energy and ignore everything in front of them, while grandparents sitting in the corner look at their children like an open book.
It’s not that grandparents love children more. Rather, they stood in different positions and were under different pressures, changing everything they saw.
This is the reason behind it.
1. They are not in charge
Parents must keep their children fed, clothed, and out of the house. Grandparents mostly just need to be with them.
The difference is bigger than it sounds. When you are not accountable for results, you stop managing and start observing. Grandparents aren’t paying attention to whether their kids are wearing shoes or brushing their teeth, so they have extra attention to notice if their kids are quiet today, or unusually clingy, or trying to say things they can’t put into words.
Parents often miss these things, not because of neglect, but because their hands are full making sure the whole operation runs smoothly.
2. The clock runs slower for them
Parents live under a perpetual time crunch. Grandparents, often retired, have a different relationship with the afternoon.
Children will tell you the most important things in the slowest, most roundabout way imaginable. It will appear from the side, on a long walk, or on the third puzzle. A parent racing against time inadvertently cuts this off. Grandparents have nowhere to go but to remain silent, and silence is often where the real thing finally comes to light.
3. They’ve made a big mistake
They raised children once. They made a lot of mistakes and they knew it.
This history dispels people’s fears. When a child gets moody or says something shocking, grandparents have seen it happen before and know that it usually passes. Parents feel the full weight of getting things done at the same time, which makes them more reactive and less listening. Experience can turn down the volume of the alarm clock. This allows them to stay calm enough to actually figure out what the child is upset about, rather than just trying to stop the child from being upset.
4. When a child does something wrong
Parents often take their children’s bad behavior personally. It felt like a sentence on their parenting.
My grandparents didn’t bring this. So when a child lies, throws a tantrum, or breaks a rule, grandparents can see it for what it usually looks like: a tired little person, or scared, or testing where the edges are. They respond to their children rather than their own fear of failure.
Children can feel the difference immediately. They tend to confess more and more honestly to those who are reluctant to confess themselves.
5. Lower risk changes the way you listen.
A parent hears “I hate school” and immediately begins to address it. Is this bullying? teacher? Should they call someone?
Grandparents are more likely to just ask what is going on and continue to listen. They are not building a case or planning an intervention so the child can continue talking. Half the time, kids have their own way of talking about the real issues, and it’s never something they take the lead on. Parents rush to fix the problem because they love their children and can’t bear to see them hurt.
Grandparents have realized that it is often more important to listen for a long time than to solve a problem quickly.
6. They remember they were little
Oddly enough, the people who are farthest from childhood in our memories are sometimes the ones who are closest to childhood.
As we age, some of the earlier things come back into focus. Grandparents often vividly recall feeling small, powerless, and not believed. This memory makes them tender in places busy parents forget. They remember that when you’re six, small disappointments can feel huge. They take their children’s strong feelings seriously because they don’t forget that these feelings actually arise from deep inside.
7. They want to enjoy their children, not shape them
In some part of every interaction, parents are always trying to develop who their children will become. Every correction, every reaction has an impact on who they ultimately become.
My grandparents basically gave up on the job. They weren’t trying to mold the kid into anything. They just want to know who the child is today. The transition from shaping to enjoyment allows children to feel included in a rare way. Children feel they are being pleased rather than corrected. A child who is happy will show you more of who they really are.
Grandparents are no better than parents. Parents are burdened with a difficult, tedious burden every day that blocks their vision. Leave full-time responsibilities to grandparents, and the same fog can follow.
Still, there are some things worth borrowing. The next time your child struggles to read, it might be helpful to put down the to-do list for ten minutes and observe them like a person with nowhere to go.
