Do you need a laugh? Do you want to cheer someone up? We have a collection of interesting sayings and quotes for you. For more ridiculously funny material, be sure to check out our list of epic high-level quotes.
Nothing relieves tension like a good joke. A shared sense of humor can turn strangers into friends in minutes.
“A carpenter walked into a bar, walked up to the bartender, held up three fingers and said, ‘Five beers for the sawmill, please.'”
unknown
If you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, humor is a quick way to get yourself out of it. It’s very handy to remember a few humorous quips or witty comebacks in various situations.
But not all funny sayings and jokes are created equal. While some of them are hilarious and clever, others are just childish or corny.
That’s where the list below comes in. It will help you always come up with something witty to say, even in the most unusual situations.
86 Funny Sayings and Quotes to Make You Laugh
Digging up some of the funniest jokes on the internet isn’t easy. To save you from all this tedious work, we have scoured the world wide web for hours to create a definite collection of funny sayings.
Enjoy reading!
Here are some of the funniest sayings of all time
1.
“You wouldn’t believe how shocked people are when they find out I’m not an electrician.”
2.
“My wife thinks I’m a control freak. Why would she write such disgusting things in her diary?”
3.
“I don’t know much about Switzerland, but its flag is a big plus.”
4.
“My wife told me I was childish and immature. Do you believe it? I told her to get out of my fortress immediately.”
5.
“I wanted to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not scream and yell like the passengers in his car did.”
Jack Handy
6.
“Parallel lines have a lot in common.”
7.
“Why does a Scrabble player throw letters into the street? He’s trying to figure out what the word is on the street.”
8.
“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you will be a mile away and in his shoes.”
Steve Martin
9.
“Patent: Well, doctor, it hurts wherever I touch myself.
Doctor: Have you checked whether your finger is broken?
10.
“Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Make a man a fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.”
Trey Pratchett
11.
“‘I need some space to myself,’ the claustrophobic astronaut said before his spacewalk.”
12.
“My psychiatrist told me I had schizophrenia. I stopped seeing him because we never liked him.”
13.
“I’m reading a book about gravity. It’s really heavy.”
14.
“I like walking holding hands. But most strangers don’t.”
15.
“Today I complained about my wife’s eyebrows being drawn unnaturally high. She looked surprised.”
16.
“Scientists will never believe in atoms because they make up everything.”
17.
“The problem is not that obesity runs in your family. The problem is that no one in your family has obesity.”
18.
“We were unlucky at first, but then we were unlucky as well.”
19.
“The parachute is optional when skydiving. Unless you want to jump twice.”
20.
“Ordinary things are produced under satisfactory conditions.”
twenty one.
“It’s really sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a wild dog.”
Jack Handy
twenty two.
“I don’t know how I would feel if someone stole my mood ring.”
twenty three.
“Whoever believes in telepathy, please raise your hand.”
twenty four.
“If you don’t like your beard in the first place, let it grow on you.”
25.
“The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese.”
26.
“Atheism can be classified as a non-prophetic organization.”
27.
“Never kid a kleptomaniac. They always take things literally.”
28.
“If we ever find ourselves on a sinking ship with only a life jacket on me, I will tell everyone how much I miss you and how much I love you.”
29.
“Do you know the difference between indifference and ignorance? I don’t know and I don’t care.”
30.
“My grandpa had the heart of a lion. That’s why they banned him from the zoo for life.”
31.
“My ex-girlfriend had a really weird thing. She used to dress up like herself and always act like a drama queen.”
bo burnham
32.
“If you think you’re completely useless, don’t worry. You can still be a bad example.”
33.
“What will the buffaloes say when their sons go off to college? Byson!
34.
“On one hand, I broke my finger. On the other hand, I’m fine.”
35.
“They fired me because I took a day off. I will never work at a calendar factory again.”
36.
“I could totally see myself working in a mirror factory.”
37.
“Some people bring happiness wherever they go; some people bring happiness wherever they go.”
Oscar Wilde. “
38.
“Committing a crime in a multi-storey car park is wrong in so many ways.”
39.
“Why eat yogurt in a museum? Because it’s cultural.”
40.
“One day you’re going to go far. Just make sure you stay there.”
41.
“Knowledge is knowing that avocado is a fruit. But wisdom, on the other hand, is knowing that you shouldn’t put it in a fruit salad.”
42.
“Cows wear bells because their horns don’t work.”
43.
“Two cars collided right in front of a turtle. When the police asked what happened, the shocked turtle replied: ‘I’m not sure, it all happened so fast.’
44.
“An apology written in dots and dashes is called Morse code.”
45.
“I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl who would get really angry if she heard me say that.”
Mitch Hedberg
46.
“If you have a genetic predisposition to headaches, it’s in your jeans.”
47.
“I think it’s wrong to have only one company making a Monopoly game.”
Steven Wright
48.
“Two criminals stole a calendar not long ago. Both received six-month sentences.”
49.
“I’ve always lost weight on a seafood diet. I see food but don’t eat it.”
50.
“It only took me a few hours to solve the puzzle that said 6-99 years on the box.”
51.
“Guess what new word I invented today: plagiarism.”
52.
“There’s no way my dog can find out he’s adopted.”
53.
“What sweets do they eat in college? Smart people.”
54.
“What do you call a strawberry when it’s run over by hundreds of cars? Traffic jam.”
55.
“My therapist says all I want is revenge. We’ll see.”
Stuart Francis
56.
“Why are hipsters the trendsetters? Because they drank tea before it was cold.”
57.
“Before I was born, I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body.”
58.
“It always makes me sad to see boiling water evaporate into nothingness. It turns into fog.”
59.
“If money could talk, my kids would always say, ‘Hey, it was great to meet you, but I have to go now.'”
60.
“If they had caught the tongue twister, he would have received a long sentence.”
61.
“What’s one word that Indians never say? YOLO!
62.
“Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? Of course I do.”
63.
“There is no such thing as addiction, there are only things you enjoy doing more than life.”
Doug Stanhope
64.
“Nurses always carry a red pen in case they are asked to draw blood.”
65.
“Employee of the Month is the perfect example of how a person can be both a winner and a loser.”
66.
“Why should I study when knowledge is power and power corrupts?
67.
People tell me I’m indecisive. I’m not so sure about this.
68.
“Those sneaky computers always seem to beat me at chess. But they don’t stand a chance in boxing.”
69.
“My girlfriend and I broke up. We agreed that she would rather marry her ex-boyfriend.”
70.
“My statistics professor told me I was average. How mean!
71.
“What happens when all the fans leave the concert? It’s really hot.”
72.
“My drug test came back negative. My dealer definitely has some explaining to do.”
Jimmy Kimbell
73.
“You’re going to have to be a jerk for the rest of your life. Why don’t you take a day off?
74.
“Did anyone call me lazy? I’m not sure because I was asleep.”
75.
“They say money can’t buy happiness. Well, look at my Happy Meal.”
76.
“Russian Doll does get a little complacent.”
77.
“My friends say I’m vindictive. They’ll regret saying that.”
78.
“Never make the mistake of eating the clock. It’s too time-consuming.”
79.
“As a kid, I would lie in my twins’ bed and wonder what happened to my twins.”
80.
“Why do people cry when they cut onions? They’re just vegetables.”
81.
“You absolutely cannot use a vacuum cleaner in space, otherwise the whole universe will start to collapse.”
82.
“Why do some people seem smart before they start talking? Because light travels faster than sound.”
83.
“Each illegal semicolon is punishable by two consecutive sentences.”
84.
“If you forget which side the sun rises on, you’ll end up seeing dawn in the morning.”
85.
“Last night, it was so dark that even the exhibitionist had to describe his body in detail.”
86.
“It’s not that I’m afraid of death, it’s just that I don’t want to be there when it happens.”
woody allen
We hope you enjoy this collection of funny sayings.
What’s your favorite joke?
Do you have a witty one-liner that always makes everyone laugh? Let us know in the comments section below, we’d love to hear from you.
Keep winning!
