A few years ago, a friend of mine got the promotion he had been craving. Great Leap Forward, better money, lots of it. He told me over dinner, I said all the right things, and then I made a mental list of the reasons why he was lucky the whole way home.
I’m not proud of it. But it taught me something useful, which is that jealousy almost never shows. No one sits you down and says they hate you. It shows up from the side, in small behaviors that people are often not fully aware of, and if you know what you’re looking at you can spot it a mile away.
It’s worth mentioning: noticing this in someone doesn’t mean they are a bad person. This usually just means they are comparing their insides to your outside and the results are not as expected. But it’s still useful to know where you stand.
1. Compliments with hooks
You’ll hear the praise first and then feel the sting about ten minutes later.
“That’s awesome, especially for someone who doesn’t have any background.” “You look great and you can tell you’ve worked hard.” “Good for you, I would never have been that comfortable putting myself out there.”
Technically, these are all a good thing. Each of them also planted a small flag that allowed them to get something back. A straightforward and happy person speaks forthrightly and kindly. When a compliment needs to be unwrapped, it means there is something inside that needs to be hidden.
2. Good news keeps everyone silent
This one is quieter and easier to miss.
You share something that makes you happy, but the response is too slow, a little too flat, and then quickly changes the topic. There is no hostility. Just a small refusal to sit with you.
Then you’ll find that same person becomes very involved when the topic is someone’s renovation disaster or a mutual friend’s breakup. Enthusiasm has a direction. Watch where they point.
3. They find luck in it
There is a specific move where someone accepts the fact that you are successful but reorients the reasons for that success.
Right time, right place. Your market is hot. You have contact. It was easier then. Some of this may even be true, as luck is real and most wins involve some luck. But be aware if the same person ever applies this perspective to their own results.
Telling is not observation. As it turns out, it only points in one direction.
4. Every story you tell reminds them of a better story
You mentioned a trip and they went further afield. You mentioned a rough week and they had an even worse week. You mention a small victory and within thirty seconds you hear their victory.
Most of us do this occasionally, but it doesn’t make any sense. It becomes a signal when it’s consistent and always arrives immediately before they ask you a question about what you just said.
Talking to someone like this stops feeling like an exchange and starts feeling like a scoreboard that you don’t agree to keep.
5. They’re the food delivery service others criticize
“I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but someone said…”
Sometimes it’s true loyalty and you wonder. Usually this is not the case. Ask yourself what happened to the message along the way. Did they defend you when you said that? Were you given a name, or just such a vague person that it couldn’t be checked?
Relaying criticism costs the messenger nothing and will fall on you all day long. People who like you tend to end these conversations rather than passing them on to the entire town.
6. Do they watch but not engage?
They’ve seen every story you’ve ever posted. They knew something about your week that you never told them directly. However, the last time they really responded to anything was sometime last year.
The combination is strange, but also telling. Genuine disinterest looks like absence. This is the opposite of absence. Remove warm parts, paying close attention.
7. When you are at your worst, they are at your best
This is one that gets tripped up because, on the surface, it looks like a friendship.
Some people excel in crises. They make phone calls, check in, deliver food. Then things reverse and they become incredibly hard to reach.
This doesn’t have to be cruel. It feels good to be wanted, and some relationships are built on a gap that the bad parts of you easily maintain. But if you can only lean on someone when you’re feeling down, then you don’t have a friend in their story, just a character.
8. Tell jokes in front of everyone
It’s a good sign that people who like each other tease each other, and I’ve written about this before. It’s a different thing and feels different.
This digging takes place in a group setting, not one-on-one. Usually it’s about things that satisfy you. Expressed lightly enough, objections can make you look humorless, which is the whole design of it.
Pay attention to the audience. Affectionate sarcasm doesn’t require one. Jealousy is almost always the case, because the point is not to joke, but to adjust your opinion of everyone standing there.
what to actually do
Honestly, not much. This is the unsatisfying point.
Confronting someone with jealousy often goes poorly because they will deny it and may even tell what they understand to be the truth. Most of this stuff is below the level of conscious decision-making. When my friend was walking home after getting a promotion, I swear I was excited for him.
All you can do is adjust the volume. Share good news less often with people who are clearly having trouble holding on, and stop viewing their reactions as a judgment on whether you deserve it or not. If they are pleasant company, keep your distance from them. Provide detailed information to friends who need it.
It’s also worth turning this list over to yourself every year. I’ve experienced each of these eight people at some point, usually at a time when I was in trouble in my own life. That’s the honesty of jealousy. It’s much easier to spot someone else than it is to look in the mirror, and people who never think this applies to themselves are usually the ones who do it most often.
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