Pay attention to how people receive compliments and you’ll quickly learn about them. Some deflect so much that they become awkward. Some people absorb it a little too eagerly.
Then there is a third type. Those who are truly humble, they somehow manage to accept something kind and not push it away or wallow in it. They have some common phrases that solve this problem.
Here are nine, and what each one tells you about the people who use it.
1. “This means a lot to you.”
This turns the compliment into a connection rather than a spotlight. They accepted it, but also gave back a little warmth.
You’ll hear this when praise comes from someone whose perspective they truly respect. A mentor, a peer who is good at the same thing, a parent who doesn’t talk much. Rather than push back on the compliment, they let it land and acknowledge who it came from. Be cordial without being garrulous.
This will please the person giving the compliment, which is an act of generosity that most people would not think of doing.
2. “I got a lot of help with this”
Humble people feel almost physically uncomfortable taking credit for things that involve other people. So that’s what they said, and that’s what they said.
Praise them for how well their project, dinner, or event went, and they’ll immediately start naming names. Someone who does the hard part. Friends who rescued them at the last minute. This is not false humility. They genuinely see other people at work and they feel like it’s not right to stand there alone and accept applause.
You can usually tell it’s sincere because they’re specific. Vague credit sharing is a knee-jerk reaction. It’s true to name the people who actually helped.
3. “To be honest, I’m very lucky.”
They tend to attribute a large part of their success to timing, opportunity, and circumstances. Not because they do nothing, but because they know how much is out of their control.
Part of the reason for this promotion is because there was an opening. Good grades fell on topics they happened to like. They’re not pretending these efforts aren’t working. They just hold onto it while honestly realizing how many things have to break their way.
This is well founded. People who believe in luck tend to stay decent when things go well because they never fully believe it’s all their fault.
4. “I’m glad it helped”
Observe what they do and compliment them on what they do for someone. They turn their attention to results, not themselves.
Thank them for the suggestion and they’ll take note to see if it works. Praise you for helping, and they’ll be glad it made your day easier. It helps that the attention is immediately diverted from them to what is really important.
It reveals their purpose in doing so. The point is that thanks are never needed. The point was to make this thing work, and now it has, so they’re happy with it.
5. A quick, simple “thank you”
Sometimes the simplest things are also the simplest. They just say thank you and stop.
This is harder than it looks. Many people can’t leave nothing but compliments. They have to weaken it, account for it, or fight back to equalize. A truly secure person knows that a compliment is a small gift, and the polite way to treat a gift is to accept it and express gratitude rather than argue whether you deserve it.
No deflection, no performance. With just a warm thank you, the moment went smoothly.
6. “It’s not as impressive as it looks”
They like to pull back the curtain on their so-called talents. Compliment the thing and they’ll be happy to explain that it’s much simpler than you think.
This exquisite meal includes three ingredients and a good pot. Most of the skills you admire are just years of performance and repetition. They are not there to make you insist otherwise. They sincerely want to demystify it, partly because they don’t like being put on a pedestal and partly because they want you to feel like you can do it too.
There is a kindness hidden within. They would rather you leave the conversation thinking you could try it yourself rather than be impressed by someone who can do it.
7. “You would have done the same thing.”
When they are praised for their kindness, this is usually the response they get. They see their good deeds as nothing special, just something a decent person would do.
To be honest, that might be a little too modest. Sometimes they do do something out of scope, and to ignore it is to underestimate it. But the instinct behind it is real. They don’t think there’s anything special about their own decency. That they assume most people will proceed the same way says as much about anyone as it does about them.
This hypothesis sheds light on this habit. People who truly believe that most people do the same are usually the ones who actually do it.
8. Turn it into a question about you
One neat thing you’ll notice about humble people is how quickly they shift their focus. Compliment their outfit and somehow you’ll be asked where you bought your shoes.
It’s not an escape, exactly. They accept good things and turn to you sincerely because they would rather be curious about others than be the subject of conversation. In less than a minute, the conversation involves your weekend, your project, your news.
When you leave these people, you often feel good about yourself but can’t tell why. That’s why. They keep giving the light back to you.
9. “I still have a long way to go”
Compliment them on a skill and they’ll acknowledge it, then point out everything they haven’t figured out yet. Not for comfort, but because that’s what they really think.
People who are good at something usually know best the gap between where they are and where they want to be. So the words of praise came in, but it was accompanied by a long list of parts they were still working on. This allows them to be truly humble and not put on airs.
People who think they have reached the end often stop growing. Those who know there is still a way to go will be better off.
takeout
Next time you compliment someone, listen to what they have to say. The phrases they reach for tell you what kind of person you are dealing with.
If you find yourself avoiding every kind word someone says to you, try saying a simple thank you once in a while. Letting praise fall upon you is a small grace in itself, and the person who gives it should feel it as it lands.
